I don’t think I had any idea of what it consciously felt like to be Enough for the first 40 years of my life.
When I was only 5 years old, I knew I wanted to be a Scottish Highland Dancer. I enthusiastically and passionately stepped into a life of constant correction, knowing I was never quite doing something right, consciously striving to be better, and taking deliberate action to respond to the feedback from my teacher or the judge when I was competing. I was having the time of my life – I adored the repetition, the practice, and the challenge of it all and learnt to savour the moment when a correction stopped being given and a new, more difficult one took its place. That meant I had done well, and it was time to refocus and go again. Small wins that made it all worth it.
‘No Pain, No Gain’ was an acceptable motto for a girl growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. My success grew as I learned not to give into things that were uncomfortable or painful. My mental toughness was admired by others when I showed I could keep a lid on the excitement of my achievements so others didn’t feel bad or resent my success or show a happy smile when things didn’t go the way I had hoped.
These traits have served me well in many aspects of my life – ‘Achieving what I put my mind to’ while stretching the edges of my comfort zone has been a safe, cozy nook where I have often felt the most myself.
And yet…
When I started to learn to meditate in my 30s and was introduced to the world of affirmations, I didn’t even know how to contemplate the idea of “I am Enough, exactly as I am, right now”.
It was like EVERYTHING in my body was wired for the opposite to be true.
Of course I’m not enough, exactly as I am, right now…. Gosh, how would I ever get better at anything if I thought that?
What would be the point of goals if I was satisfied with how I am already?
Doesn’t that just mean I’ve given up? That I have given away the idea that things could be even better than they are now?
It has been a humbling journey to realise that the sound of a Bully Coach in my head is not necessarily the experience that everyone has, nor the one that I have to have either.
It is also an empowering realisation.
If you are anything like me, these inner thoughts may sound familiar when you are tired and things aren’t working out the way you had hoped –
“Nothing I do is good enough…
I haven’t done it right…
How did I end up in this situation again?
What is wrong with me?
Why is it so easy for others?
I’m trying my hardest, yet I never seem to get it right…
They expect so much from me, and I always seem to disappoint them…
What do I have to do?”
Or,
“I never feel like I’m settled…
I always feel like I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time…
When I’m thinking about work, I feel guilty for not being present with my partner or friends, yet when I am with them, I always feel like the odd one out…
They don’t seem to get me…
Why do I always feel like I’m making an effort with other people, but they never reach out to include me in return?
Why are others getting ahead so easily?
How are they so lucky?
Maybe I’m just not wired that way….”
Over time, I have learned that I can balance my natural drive, discipline, and desire to achieve while finding a new role for the whip-cracking inner voice that had been so carefully cultivated and encouraged throughout my life experiences.
I’ve found that thoughts like these are tiny invitations from the ‘you inside you’ to stop pushing so hard for a moment and instead explore what is needed to re-centre around your own ‘enoughness’ before working out the next right step.
Enough – What it means
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Enough as:
“As much or as many as required or wanted; sufficient in quantity or number. Also (of something undesirable): present in a greater amount than is tolerable or expected.”
I have witnessed this definition (or its absence) inside our lives in several different forms –
#1 – I am Enough:
I am enough exactly as I am now, without needing to change or further improve. Anything that I put my mind to, pour my heart into, or dedicate myself towards is enriched by my inclusion and participation, and I do not need to worry about what others think or say about me that in the past have caused me to feel shy, ashamed, or small in any way.
#2 – I have Enough:
I look around me and feel easeful, contented, and satisfied. I am not looking for an external possession or relationship to fill me or complete my life. I recognise that what makes me feel this way is different from someone else’s, but I feel glad for their blessings while also being utterly contented with mine.
And then,
#3 – I have had Enough (of this situation, this person, this feeling, this experience):
I can’t take this any more. I will not compromise any further, make myself any smaller, or try to change myself any more
than I have already. I can’t be how you want me to be or do what you want me to do. I don’t want to. There has to be another way. I’m done.
The first two are easy to dismiss as impossible, especially when the third experience is the one that you are pushing down into a deep, dark hole in your sub-conscious because you are frightened to death that allowing it to see the light may change everything in your life as you know it.
Whoo, we are treading on scary, unstable ground here. Let’s pause right now, but let me assure you that what is on the other side of walking this path is a change in your life that is so beautiful it is too hard even to describe. Join me here at The Matters Experiment and see it for yourself.
